Gentlemen,
I should like to start this month´s sermon with some damned good advice, even though I say so myself. The subject is marriage and divorce; the latter having been described by some wag as the removal of your wallet through your scrotum!
My simple advice is go through a Muslim ceremony in Malaysia. Getting a quickie divorce has taken on a whole new meaning in Malaysia after it was decided that a man can divorce his wife with a text message. The government´s adviser on religious affairs, the man who counsels Malaysia´s Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad, said as long as the message was clear and unambiguous it was valid under Islamic Sharia law. Although such a notification of divorce may seem astonishingly brief to some, under Islamic law men are allowed to divorce their wives simply be saying the word ´talaq´ - I divorce you - three times.
With this in mind I thought this little piece of mirth might be appropriate.
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, - going blue in the face. The dad realises that the kid has swallowed the coin and starts panicking and shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a very expensive business suit is sitting at the coffee bar in the market reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boys testicles and starts to squeeze, - gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the coffee bar and profusely thanks the woman and says "I never saw anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No" replies the woman ... "Divorce lawyer."
I hate to say "I told you so" regarding "Becksmania" but did you read the recent interview of the new British Ambassador to Spain by the Daily Bull****? The first question was something like, how will David Beckham´s presence in Spain affect the Embassy!
If they had a chance to interview Saddam I suspect their first question would be, "Did you enjoy playing hide and seek when you were a boy".
Now here´s one especially for Fiona.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man´s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she´s standing on it. Do you think she´s dumb?" "No. I guess I´m guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blonde joke emails we´ve been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You´re finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for he $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it´s not a Porch, it´s a BMW."
Like a bitch with a bone, ex-empress of Calvia tried to cling onto the last vestiges of her power as president of the federation of Mallorcan councils. Unfortunately for her the federation´s rules clearly state that membership is restricted to bona fide, current councillors.
Since the 26th of May, when she had her arse kicked out of power, she of course was not eligible.
Did she resign gracefully? Nope; screaming and kicking, no doubt, she´s now out!
And can you believe it? The final estimate of Calvia council´s debt (created by Najera and her jolly “wunch of bankers”) is a staggering 182 million Euros!
The new Mayor of Calvia is finally getting rid of the last megalomaniac vestiges of Marge´s empire and has done a deal with the Mallorcan government to take over Calvia TV that was purely a propaganda machine for the loony left.
At the set-up cost, to ratepayers of around 7 million Euros and monthly running costs of 78,000 Euros it´s estimated that there were only about 1,000 viewers!
Almost every day a new scandal emerges. The latest involves Marge´s right hand man who now sits on the top of the socialist party pile in Calvia; apparently it looks as if he was ´manipulating´ the price of water delivered to the municipality.
The new mayor of Calvia is a canny lawyer and has spotted an EU legal ruling that prostitution is "an economic activity" therefore you need a licence under Spanish law.
What does this mean? Well Calvia council, via the boys in blue, will be picking up any tarts in the streets of Calvia trying to ply their trade on the grounds that they aren´t licenced. This is unique in Spain and it´ll be interesting to see how things go for the oldest profession in the world!
With the case of Mike Wood in mind (ex-Palma yachtie jailed for smuggling, which he denies) take yet another look at Greek justice!
The fate of the British family sentenced to jail in Greece after an altercation in an Athens kebab restaurant has raised another question mark over the "equality of law" is concerned in the European Union. The proceedings in Athens were described as a farce (as in the case of Mike Wood).
The main prosecution evidence was read with no opportunity for cross-examination; the Greek police statements were contradictory; and the defendants had only five minutes each to state their case. In the end, Vera Johnson and her sons were given jail sentences, though they have been released pending an appeal. Their father said, "My sons had been handcuffed for more than 18 hours and tell me they were beaten with rubber pipes." And what does the Foreign and Commonwealth Office say about Greece on their website? "LOCAL LAWS AND CUSTOMS- Greek people are renowned for their hospitality. The Greek police are used to dealing with large numbers of foreign tourists, especially on the islands and do so in a low-key way. I don´t know what the Greek word for "Bollocks" is, but that´s my learned comment!
Well, here we go again under the heading of, “Oh I wish you’d told me....blah, blah, boo-hoo”!
The trouble is that I have warned you before but you just won´t bloody listen!
Yet again I have had a conversation about Peter Wilkinson, ‘British Pete’, ‘The Trading Post’ or whatever and, er...um..how can I put it...alleged financial discrepancies.
Do yourself a favour; employ barge poles and wide berths; how many times do your need warning?
But on a less serious note, Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn´t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he´d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don´t worry about it. You aren´t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won´t be the last. And you´re single. Let it go..." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave, you´re a vet..."
Well that´s it then chaps! Bryan Sykes, genetics professor at Oxford Uni. predicts that in about 125,000 years, Adam´s curse will come to fruition and there will be no Y-chromosome found in anybody´s pants whilst humans will have discovered how to reproduce without the aid of men.
This of course will be cheered by raving feminists as the end of the war mongering, tyrannical and more successful gender.
But wait, forget about the trivial pursuit of the species, what about the real fundamentals in life such as opening tetra packs; using cling film; opening child-proof bottles; deciding that left is where the door handle is and right is where the cuddly toy is hanging from the mirror?
Who will be there to point out the subtle difference between a cracking good joke and lavatory humour rudeness?
Soccer will continue of course whilst real games like rugby will die.
Oh no Jane; think again about the consequences of no Tarzan!
I would be delighted to hear your comments.
For those of you who thought me a little harsh on the ex-boss of the socialist anti-tourist department may I draw their attention to yet another example of how this left-wing bunch of clowns couldn´t run a ***s-up in a brewery.
Ibatur, run by Celesti Alomar, had a budget of 8,4 million Euros.
Nevertheless, the state-owned company has now been found to have created a "black hole" of 6 million having spent a total of 14.714.000 Euros!
To our Celtic cousins who hail from north of Hadrian´s wall I´m afraid I bring some bad news regarding your beloved bagpipes.
In the latest edition of "Piper & Drummer" magazine (available at all good newsagents!) it is reported that,
"As well as inducing earache, the instrument could be linked to hearing loss, repetitive strain injury, alcoholism and marital problems".
Recently an acoustics expert measured the noise from a single instrument and found that it reached 122 decibels - louder than a chainsaw or a plane landing- funny auld world aye?
And finally, I thought you´d like to know that banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour and that the penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation which certainly backs up the old saying that, “it’ll make you go blind lad”!
Hasta la pasta,
Bates