Now that Lord Lucan has been identified as the late Jungle Barry of Goa I feel that it is time to leak to you, gentle reader yet another "Bates blockbuster world exclusive" which I have been researching for some considerable time.
Pictured is the missing Derby winner, Shergar which in fact was ridden here by Lord Lucan on his way East. Running out of money, and losing a game of backgammon to the former Terreno resident, Lady Docker´s son, Lance Callingham (former British water-ski champion), Shergar was sold by Lucan to another former Terreno resident and British spy, Greville Wynne in the Rustic Bar.
After keeping Shergar for a number of years, which was stabled at the local riding school, "The Mustang Ranch" (chief riding instructor B. McNamara, stable-boy L. Lazar), Wynne eventually sold it to Ivor Culo (not his real name you understand) who owns it to this day!
If you are a brainless, rich publisher who wants to buy the full story (I have, photos, DNA and horse-dropping samples to back up the story) please contact me via a plain brown envelope.
Can you believe it? The transfer of a licence to run a tax in Mallorca can cost up to 300,000 Euros. These are private sales and are considered to be the owner´s "pension". It´s all about supply and demand where the supply of licences is controlled by the individual councils. With only 20 licenced taxis, Muro is the most expensive at 300,000, Alcudia´s licences change hands for around 270,000, Calvia´s at around 210,000 and Palma´s at 120,000!
Now then...Try this............. While sitting make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw a number "6" in the air with your right hand. What direction is your foot going now?
Media update........
Flicking through two previous targets of the "curse of Bates" I note (not entirely unsurprised) that Island Life in it´s third anniversary issue list absolutely no permanent editorial staff whilst Euro Weekly (the source of a solicitor´s letter warning me not to take the piss) lists absolutely no local staff at all- pretty damn strange for something that claims to be a local paper.
Coming back to Island Life I would have thought that after three years they would have got round to getting an independently audited figure of circulation- but that of course is for advertisers to ask and perhaps not me! And how about Celebrity, same old faces in the same old places. If they´re celebrities, (to paraphrase Private Eye´s editor, Ian Hislop) I´m a banana! Flicking through the mag. one thing that did strike me though was that if I was an American I´d be worried about my interests here; the US consul seems to appear in almost every snap. One wonders where he finds the time and energy to ´consul´ or whatever he does officially?
For those picky little gits that sometimes whinge about typographical errors on this page I offer them this. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn´t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but The wrod as a wlohe. Fcuknig amzanig huh?
Can you believe it? Marge, ex-empress of Calvia, is putting her name up as a candidate for the leadership of the Socialists in the general election scheduled for next March and is doing the ´Arslikhan´ rounds in the corridors of power here and in Madrid.
One wonders if there is any motive of getting some sort of political immunity in the light of so many court cases hanging above her? Meanwhile the national looney left top dog, Snr. Zapatero spouted out a load of cobblers (sorry couldn´t resist that one) about, "the Socialists of the islands must have profiles like the citizens, that is to say, with charisma and honesty". Hellooooooo, does that sound like our Marge to you?
There is always a love hate relationship between yacht service / supply companies and marinas but word gets to me that the new Marina Port in Palma are being particularly awkward.
One service company boss (who has been operating here for a considerable time) has emailed me with his comments; he says,
"We are generally treated by the management, marineros and the SS in the control box as criminals who should not be let near expensive boats", and goes on to say, "Parking "legally" is virtually impossible, especially in our case where we have to be near the end of the quay. Things have got worse since the new moorings, on the outside key, supposedly temporary ones for the Conde de Barcelona, now have permanent clients who also need parking places. Most of the service fraternity I have spoken to are generally pissed of with the treatment they get, and I think a weeks "strike" would concentrate minds, and possibly, repeat possibly, make the marina management realise that the people paying the costs and enabling the place to make money are the yacht owners and not the other way round".
A comment from another company was,
"The marina mentioned is certainly on my list of most difficult places to enter. I also have a suspicion as well that although I have an entry card which allows them to charge my parking time to our bank account they always log time of entry and exit along with which yacht I am going to and suspect that the yacht is being charged as well. As for the parking story everyone could see that it was going to be a nightmare before they opened. Driving a Transit van as I do I have to get to the very end of the quay before being able to turn around which is also impossible because everyone who cannot find a parking place has had to park in the turning area. Then we are forced to pay for the privilege as well!! I however don’t think that a strike is the answer because it won’t affect the marina management at all. Maybe we could all just send back their receipts from the bank at the end of the month and hurt them where they will feel it, in the pocket"?
I hope yacht skippers and owners read this and so won´t be surprised if companies make excuses not to visit the boats in this marina! I´d also be interested in any other comments on or off the record.
Now then, this has to be read in a scouse accent.
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I´ll keep you happy, and you´ll keep me happy." The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, drink and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he´s screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. This is the Birkenhead Ferry."
Keep this one to yourself. Whisper on the dockside is that the Soller council are putting tremendous pressure on the military to finally vacate the naval base in the port; apparently there hasn´t been one single navy boat moored there all summer. The plans are to develop it into a yacht club- you heard it here first!
This might make you snigger.
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what´s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What´s wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They´re all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don´t tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
Until next month,
Bates