I shall start this column with something of a novelty- an apology, no less!
It appears that I was misinformed about the arrival and departure of Celebrity magazine at the last Pinmar Golf bash at Pirates.
I now stand corrected in that they were in fact invited and were not asked to leave as I suggested in the January issue.
I will continue with a story which shows what happens when a novel version of the ‘Nigerian letter scam’ interacts with those that can only be described as dick-brains!
HELP WANTED: The job offered was for drivers to ferry topless dancers and "escorts" from job to job in Miami, Florida.
The pay: $5,000 per week in cash plus "benefits".
Those who applied were asked to wire an $865 deposit, which they were told would be refunded after their first assignment.
But, guess what?
Yeah you guessed right-no one was ever given any ‘assignments’.
Those who sent deposits were hit upon again and again for "hidden job-related expenses"; one idiot sent $8,000 in total.
In all, 43 applicants, aged 19 to 78, sent an average of eight payments each.
The alleged advertisers, Gary Janiak Jr., 34, and Tracy Silverstone, 22, were charged with 333 counts of felony fraud.
Only in America?
Now, on a serious note, does anyone know the whereabouts of Mickey Jarvenpa ex of both ‘Espuma de Mar’ and ‘Padcha I’?
If you do please get in touch with Pete Harvey on 678 954130 who would like a word or two in his shell-like!
I don’t know if there is any significance in this but word gets to me that a couple of dozen of bods from the woodwork section in Astilleros de Mallorca were laid off very recently.
On the same subject I thought that it is a strange boat to feature on their 2004 calendar: MY Passion.
Isn’t this the ex MY Destiny that fell over in the very same yard?
I hope it’s not a bad omen.
In the past I’ve mentioned the fairer sex and here’s a true story.
Volvo´s new concept car, launched at the Geneva motor show, is a car designed by women for women.
If the Calendar Girls were making cars, this is what they would look like.
Volvo´s latest offering seems to be almost more of a break with tradition than the Women´s Institute members stripping off for a calendar.
The ´Your Concept Car´ (YCC), on display for the first time at the Geneva Motor Show, was designed by a team of women keen to change the way most cars are designed with male drivers in mind.
Seat pads, attached with magnets, can be easily removed to be cleaned.
And the pads are available in different colours and textures to match a woman´s outfit, or even the weather.
"The car is shown with a light and bright yellow, embroidered seat pad, maybe for the more elegant occasion," Spokeswoman Maria Widell Christiansen said.
"Then in winter you might chose a woollen seat pad, maybe in a strong cosy colour or you may go for the lighter, perhaps more Scandinavian looking one."
Comfort for female drivers is another area traditional motorcar designers often ignore, according to Volvo’s women.
So they have implemented a body scanning system which enables the car to automatically adjust seats, mirrors, steering wheels and pedals.
And for women with ponytails, there is even a split in the middle of the headrest.
The car´s bonnet is another fun feature.
The whole front of the car is moulded in one piece which can be removed only by a Volvo mechanic.
The car would be programmed in order to discover any problems under the bonnet, then send a message to the garage to let them know.
The mechanics would then contact the women directly to invite them over.
"If the car says nothing to the mechanics, then everything is fine".
Volvo will never actually take this car into production, of course.
And here we go again with the so-called Palma International Boat Show at the end of April.
I emailed 6 of the biggest circulation consumer magazines (English and German).
I think this reply from one sums it up,
“ I have asked around the office, both editorial and advertising and no one has received anything about the show”.
The only publicity I saw was a half page in IBI, which is aimed at the trade and not the consumer, which is surely what, the exhibitors want.
Again I remind you that unlike most other boat shows they choose not to be members of the International Federation of Boat Show Organisers.
One of the things that the IFBSO does is insist on properly audited attendances figures- look out for the usual spiel of, “...even higher attendance than last year’s figures” from the local organisers!
If you’ve got kids then this might be of real interest to you.
THE PSOE has proposed to transfer foreign pupils to other schools if their numbers represent over 35 per cent of children per classroom. The measure, which was included in the Socialists´ manifesto, was used in the 60s in the USA to fight racial segregation.
The number of foreign students in schools in Spain has multiplied by eight in the past 10 years.
If my memory serves me well it was only last month that I was going on about curry being the UK’s favourite food.
Well here’s the sequel!
One of Britain´s most popular curry dishes is at the centre of health fears.
Checks on chicken tikka masala found 57 per cent of restaurants tested used potentially "dangerous and illegal" levels of food dye chemicals.
The colourants, which give the dish its distinctive deep red appearance, have been linked to hyperactivity, asthma and even cancer.
The tests focused on the use of three specific chemicals - Tartrazine (E102), Sunset Yellow (E110) and Ponceau 4R (E124).
So now you know to check the label!!
I was very remiss not to wish the Paddies a good day festive last month but I would like to remind them that the person who became St. Patrick was actually born in Wales about AD 385.
His given name was Maewyn, and he was captured as a slave to the Irish at the age of 16. After escaping he went back many years later to convert the country to Christianity.
So, Iyechd da!
Anyone considering a boat purchase should become thoroughly familiar with the terminology associated with boating.
Not only will it make you feel at ease discussing boats, but it also serves to warn others that you are an individual to be reckoned with.
Here are some definitions for the nautical terms you will undoubtedly encounter in quest for your new boat. Take time to learn them now!
Aboard - A piece of wood that may be used to repair your boat.
Adrift - A method of moving across the water when nothing on your boat works. You normally do not have a lot of input as to where you are actually going, but you can get there.
Anchor - A mechanical device that is supposed to keep the boat in one place (see dragging). These devices are sometimes used to submerge expensive anchor lines and chain when used without proper termination at both ends of the anchor line.
Astern - A type of look. Your spouse gives you ´astern´ look when you attempt to buy things for your new boat.
Bilge - This is a storage area in the bottom of the boat for all the things you dropped and cannot find. Also a mixing area for water, fuel and head output.
Bilge pump - An electrical device designed to remove the charge from your batteries. These devices only operate when the boat is not taking on water.
Bow - This is what you do in front of your banker when you are asking for more money to spend on your boat. As your boat will surely cost much more than what you initially asked for, it is imperative that you learn how to do this quickly.
Capsize - They ask you this when you go to buy a hat or baseball cap.
Deck - This is what your spouse will do to you after discovering how much money you have spent on the boat without first obtaining permission.
Dragging - A method of moving about when the anchor is deployed (see anchor).
Hatch - A device similar in nature to a mousetrap, in that it will drop down on your head or hand without warning. Also an opening for admitting water into the boat.
Head - It is the part of your body that sits on top of your neck; you should not be buying a boat unless you already know this. Also useful for storing items like hats, sunglasses and such.
Keel - A stopping device for your boat. It works by contacting the bottom of the water body you are in, thus inhibiting forward motion.
Keys - These items are used for opening locks and lockers aboard your boat, starting the engine and such. Keys can usually be found in the water beneath your boat.
Overboard - A term describing the final resting-place for anything expensive dropped while on board a boat.
Port - This is what you drink when you are on the boat.
Propeller - A metal thing that looks like a fan and is attached to your motor. Propellers typically do not have the same number of blades they came with. The propeller is a dual-purpose item. It both propels your boat through the water and catches stray dock and rigging lines before they can harm wildlife.
Rudder - This is the device that steers your boat. The rudder is usually the first part of your boat to come off when you hit a rock.
Rock - These are devices used to remove rudders from boats. Also what your boat does just after you fill all your glasses to the brim with port.
Stern - The flat, back end of your vessel, included so you have a place to paint the name of your boat. This does not apply to some boats because they have points on both ends and you don´t want to risk sounding incompetent when trying to determine which is which.
Through-the-hull fitting - A leak.
Wake - This event is part of a funeral and often confused with boating. Also what boaters participate in when they do not practice safe boating.
If you’ve got any good ones to add to the dictionary please send them.
Regards,
Bates