A word of caution in your shell-like ear! If you´ve been influenced by the idea that you can plonk a pre-fabricated home on any plot of land, think again.
It´s taken the council of Santa Eugenia two years but recently they obtained a judgement against a local that had towed a 120 sq. m. ´chalet´ onto his ´rustic zoned´ property. He´s now been told to foxtrot oscar with it and has been fined 102,500 Euros- ouch!
It´s always good practice to look left, look right and look left again, if all clear, cross the road.
Recently, in Santa Ponsa, a young bloke probably did all that but didn´t look out for a blue patrol car.
They nicked him for crossing where there´s no pedestrian crossing. 50 Euros multa, thank you very much!
Will this be a way to supplement the loss of the tourist tax?
The EU have caved into the USA´s request for no less than 34 pieces of data on each passenger (some of which cannot be legally extracted from US citizens) from airlines etc bringing people into the land of the free!
I´m all for security which reminds me of Spike Milligan´s comment on it.
He said that when he flew he took a bomb with him because the chance of having two bombs on board is far too small to worry about.
Now then chaps listen up. When you say to ´er indoors, "Fancy a Kwik one?" don´t be surprised if you hear the slam of the door whilst you´re splashing the Blue Stratos or Old Spice around.
According to a recent survey by the supermarket chain, Kwik Save, bagging a bargain can give them as much joy as a bedroom romp because it activates the same feelgood chemicals in the brain. In fact, many women prefer a spot of retail therapy in the high street to getting some physical pleasure from their man. Almost one in 10 say they get a bigger buzz from finding a bargain at the shops than from getting their hands on their lover. And, more than three in 10 women admit they are left feeling "deeply satisfied" after a good session in the stores! TV and radio psychologist Phillip Hodson said: "The buzz that women feel when they snatch a bargain is exactly the same as they get while having sex. "Their brain is releasing identical chemicals - endorphins, enkephalins and noradrenaline." And although not all women are willing to shun the bedroom for the shops, almost half (46 per cent) say that retail therapy keeps them sane.
I of course have tested this and am delighted to inform you gentle reader that I´m now just about able to see out of my left eye after I asked Madame Bates to nip down the shops for a six pack of Heinies, a lamb vindaloo and a video of the 1966 world cup: just shows that statistics is not an exact science I suppose!
Psst. looking for the next development of new berths in the Balearics?
Word is that the navy´s base in Mahon is imminently to be closed and might just be available for pleasure use.
For those of you that enjoy the ocassional tincture, I bring you this happy news. Alcohol saves more lives than it takes, according to new research from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.
While alcohol is blamed for more than 13,000 deaths a year, largely among heavy drinkers, a moderate intake saves 15,000 lives a year, says the study.
Now some of you might think that I´m far too sceptical of the Palma boat show and I have heard from some that they find it successful (others have told me it was lousy).
What my main ´beef´ is that they call it "international" and that they spend diddly squat on promoting it internationally.
To prove my point the British Marine Federation have just published a 98 page piece of research (a copy costs £895!) on the European marine market covering a total of 30 countries.
One page is devoted to details of the boat shows within these 30 countries; dates, venues, visitor numbers etc.
You guessed it- no mention of Palma: my case rests.
Apart from the flak from the marinas, the ports authority have another problem to contend with. After a tantrum, including some telephone throwing, it appears that one of the directors of the authority has been accused of various things including "jobs for the boys" and "preferential subcontracting".
Can anyone tell me the Mallorquin for "business as usual"?
I now, gentle reader (feminists are advised to close their eyes when reading this) reproduce one of the few printable letters I have received from the ´fairer sex´.
Dear Master Bates,
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him, "midnight!" He didn´t seem pissed off at all. Whew!! Got away with that one. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said....
ÒWell, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,"Oh shit,"cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckoooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted"
Yours, Mrs. J. C.
The Spanish motoring association, RACC, have released figures of a recently conducted survey.
They have announced that women are better drivers than men in that they respect the speed limits (88.9% against 82.7%) and traffic lights more (87.5% compared with 82%), use the telephone less, are involved in less accidents (20% less) and park better! What does this prove? Well, in my ´umble opinion, as it was a verbal survey (e.g. "Good morning sir/madam, can we ask you a few questions about your driving?") it certainly proves (what we all know chaps) that women do tell bigger porkies than men and that they bugger off oblivious of the chaos they have left behind them!
I read a useful tip in the travel section of one of the Sunday papers: a bit obvious really, nevertheless I´ll pass it on.
With the Summer hols looming the travel companies hike their prices quite considerably.
Firstly school holidays start around the 12 and 23 July in the UK and the Carribean prices see a sudden increase around July 16.
If you shop around and organise yourself for even just a day before these hikes you can save truckloads of dosh; send me a postcard. This is a bit of a laff.
Fancy yourself as a lord or lady? You can buy a title quite legitimately for under 200 quid. Log onto, http://www.elitetitles.co.uk/main/index.htm - I´m thinking of getting ´er indoors a title as a Chrissy prezzie. "Baroness Bates", has a certain ring to it, eh what?
It´s amazing the amount of spam that I get these days. Recently I received an offer of a 1.9% mortgage from Ko Samui in Thailand: Phuket sprang to my mind!
This, ´er indoors thought thoroughly amusing, I´m not so sure!
“Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it´s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.”
Con man alert! Word gets to me from La Lonja area that a Brit who goes by the name of Pat OConnell (aliases: Pat Hollis / Pat Luckett) is to be avoided.
His chat includes polo ponies, yacht captaining, being an ex member of the band, "Style Council" and Carribean property, where he will probably slip in, ÒI had my wallet stolen- lend me some cashÓ!
It appears now that this low-life is wanted for a chat with coppers in the UK and US.
It also seems that he´s got a Belgian arrest warrant hanging over him. The local boys in blue "entertained him" recently- wide berth if you please- you have been warned!
Yet again, gentle reader, I bring you some, “not many people know this” lifestyle info: The Mystery Of The Beer Scooter Explained...
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought ´How on earth did I get home?´
As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine.
Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.
The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion.
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone.
Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger´s in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second question after a night out ´How did I spend so much money?´
Unfortunately, Baccus’ Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDIs (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip.
The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out ´What the hell happened?´
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person´s REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter´s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-through chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Two more questions answered!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people´s gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Pat. Pending).
These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System).
This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don´t forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
My thanks to Paula of AtlasInternet for what appears to be an economic solution to the “dialling into your email account from abroad” question which I’m very happy to pass on.
Check out the Wanadoo internet access package which offers a pay as you go deal:
www.wanadoo.co.uk?time/noties/?linkfrom=Today&link=4&article=TODinternet_access
As you can see from the front page story the local marinas are firing on all cylinders regarding the port tax hike.
My feeling is that this penalises the local marine business far too much and predict a dramatic change in the central government’s attitude with a reduction of these charges. I certainly hope I’m right!
Until next month,
Bates