OK, that´s it: I´ll never understand the mentality of the locals!
How could Mallorca possibly make George Sand an adopted daughter?
For someone who lived on the island for a short four months through what appeared to be a miserable winter (1838/39) she was reasonably complimentary about the place itself but her comments about the inhabitants would be something I´d prefer to forget than praise if I were a descendant!
Here are some extracts for those of you who have not read her book, "Winter in Majorca".
On the Majorcans- "We have nicknamed Majorca the island of monkeys, for we seem to be surrounded by these mangy, plundering yet innocent animals:"
On the Majorcan cuisine- "If you see appear on the table dishes that seem to contain all kinds of normal food, you must not, however, trust them for they will be the infernal drugs cooked by the devil in person."
On her departure to Barcelona- "At last we departed from the island, and I have already related what sort of people and hospitality we found on board the Majorcan ship.
When we arrived in Barcelona, we were so anxious to finish forever our contact with this inhuman race, that I hadn´t the patience to wait until the end of disembarkation."
And returning to her opinion of the locals- "He deceives, lies, insults and robs without the least scruple of conscience.
A foreigner for him is not a man.
He would never steal an olive from a compatriot; but beyond the sea humanity only exists in the designs of God to bring gain and advancement to the Majorcans"
Perhaps if she returned now she might say, plus ca change plus c´est la meme chose!
But wait a minute perhaps it´s just another example of politicians being out of step with the man in the street.
A poll held by the daily paper, El Mundo shows that 70% of locals think it was a bad idea to adopt Sand!
Now get this women feminists! An Iranian woman has applied for a court order to restrict her husband´s beatings to once a week instead of every night.
"My husband is violent and beats me virtually every evening. I thought he would stop after the birth of our child, but it has got worse," said Maryam J."I don´t want a divorce. My husband is violent. It is in his nature. I just want him to promise to beat me only once a week," she told the judge, who burst out laughing.
Summoned to explain himself, the husband said: "I hit her because a wife should be afraid of her husband, and this way I oblige her to respect me."
The judge demanded a written assurance that he stops beating his wife altogether.
As you regular readers know, Bates is not a follower of the ´beautiful game´ but I have to admit that amongst the other hysterical and rabid commentators, Barry Davies has stood out in BBC´s match of the day as a reasonable sort. In announcing his retirement after 35 years he has said, "There is too much talk from commentators nowadays. There is too much inter-switching from radio, particularly by experts who can talk over things. Dramatic moments in football speak for themselves".
That I would agree with but he went on to say, that "the viewers sometimes need time to think for themselves".
I presume here he means. "...er...um... I fink I´ll get up from the sofa and get another slice of pizza and open another Carling".
This report from an incident in Mijas on the mainland reminded me of some advice when I first came to Spain: when running away from the Guardia always run in a straight line so to avoid being hit by a stray bullet!
"It was then that one of the Civil Guard opened fire and overcame the man with two bullets, one in the neck and left shoulder and another in the right leg. Once the sick man was on the floor the medical staff were able to tranquillise him. He was then taken to the Costa del Sol Hospital where his condition was said to be serious".
Last week, a gentleman of Sevilla decided to try to test the growing awareness of domestic violence by reporting his wife to the Guardia Civil for denying him his marital rights for five days running.
The local judge shelved the case because, "he could not find a penal classification for it - a polite way of telling the gentleman to stop wasting his and everybody else´s time". Ed´s note- ´penile classification´ surely?
Marg. update. The ex-empress of Calvia has been found out to be allegedly on the fiddle again.
Her latest trick to be uncovered is a letter that she signed by her highness denying that a certain, Alfonso Rodríguez Sanchez worked for Calvia council. What has brought this latest episode in Marg´s infamous career to light is a court case brought about by Alfie´s ex trouble n´ strife trying to get her hands on his earnings as promised when they split back in January 2002.
One little problem appears to have popped up for our Marg: a contract of employment between Alfie and Calvia council for 1900 Euros a month has come to light!
If asked I´d recommend the ducking stool.
Now then where do you think this quote from a magazine is referring to? "Despite claims that the 2004 season was saved by last minute punters, the decline in figures is nevertheless evident.
New destinations such as Croatia are enjoying a tourist surge copiously fuelled by low-cost air travel and energetic marketing which promises urban cleanliness, crime-free destinations, cheaper hotels and restaurants and above all a warm, sincere welcome to foreign visitors."
Well you´d probably say this refers to the locals but you´d be wrong this was part of the editorial comment in the Riviera Reporter.
It appears that the frogs down south have been taking tourists for granted and to the cleaners too!
Here´s a quickie for you. A Rabbi was walking by the Serpentine in London and noticed a dog, drowning in the cold water.
Without any concern for his own wellbeing, he jumped in and rescued the poor mutt. While administering heart massage to the motionless creature an old lady walked past and said, "Are you a Vet"? "Am I Vet?" he replied, "I’m f***ing soaking"!
News gets to me that a regular visitor to Mallorca and one of the Costa del Sol´s most knowledgeable brokers, Larry Power, has moved south from Puerto B. Anus to Scrotum Grande: take a note of his new contact details- Ventura Yachts. Edificio D, Local 5, Puerto de Sotogrande, 11310, San Roque, Cadiz, Spain. Tel.- +34.95.679.0265 Fax.- +34.95.679.0203 Mob.- +34.60.955.8287 Email- lp@venturayachts.com
Have you listened to the new "English hour" on Radio Calvia?
Well, all I can say is that it might be the saving of the world if a malevolent extra terrestrial space ship lands in Calvia between 18:00 and 19:00.
They will naturally pick up the strongest local radio frequency and after just a few minutes listening come to the conclusion that there is no intelligent life form on the planet and zoom off to enslave some other planet in the galaxy!
It makes the now defunct Sunshine Radio sound like a transmission from MENSA. It´s well worth the drive down from Pollenca to listen to this. It´s a real hoot.
I urge all to tune into 107.4 fm. You´d better do it soon because it can´t last like this for much longer.
On the other hand, although ..er.. um...how can I put it.. zaney, a new English language prog. on 106.5 f.m. (Sundays-11:00- 14:00) headed up by Leapy Lee is now on the airwaves- tune in, phone in and support it!
As regular readers will know we were less than complimentary about the balearsnautic.com website (see letters page).
It is obvious that they have now had someone looking at it in an attempt to make the English better but I´m afraid I have to give them 2/10 and a hundred lines ´we must try harder´.
Here´s an extract, word for word-
"The boat has a rig, which is simple enough for those who are starting to learn, but on the other hand, it is complex enough to learn how to sail in boats with bouble jib and spi.
The old models did not have watertight compartments under the lateral runners of the cover, so that in case of turning round the older versions take on more water than the modern ones, which have a watertight bathtub all around".
What does this refer to?
A Cadet sailing dinghy!
Talking of written English, take a look at this.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn´t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
Now here’s a warning to all with a bit of spare cash jangling in their pockets!
A court in Palma has found BBVA bank guilty of selling high-risk financial products under fixed term deposit conditions, a fraud that the bank user association Ausbanc claims has affected more than 60,000 people in Spain.
The scheme promised higher than normal interest if the value of certain stocks reached a specific level, but with the risk that clients could lose their money.
The locals are not alone in their struggle to maintain their language under the strain of foreigners sailing into their waters.
Some Gwynedd (North Wales) councillors are opposing a proposal to increase the number of moorings at Pwllheli marina from 400 to around 700.
The proposed £3.8 million enlargement of the marina was recommended in a report commissioned by Gwynedd Council, but some Plaid Cymru members of the council expressed reservations at a recent meeting, claiming that marina enlargement could result in an influx of non Welsh speakers, which could have a negative impact on use of the language- Iechyd da!
Attention foodies.
A new gourmet club has been started here which offers you a newsletter regarding wining and dining in Mallorca. Log onto www.mallorca-restaurants-121.com.
I bring to your attention a letter that was in the Daily Telegraph recently written by a captain Annett, a deep sea Pilot.
He referred to the new International Ship and Port facility Security Code (ISPS). Apparently it’s going to put ´an additional burden of extra hours on seafarers´ and he warns that particularly in the US it will make life very difficult.
It appears that in oil installations in the US telephones are being taken out and seamen are not able to contact anyone when they get to port.
If any crewmember, including the master departs from the ship, to go on leave they must have an armed escort to the airport, or outside their hotel door!
Recently a Russian seaman walked ashore 20 yards to use a pay phone, unaware he was not allowed to, was arrested and put in irons for 24 hours!
Anyone contemplating going into the US by ship can expect draconian conditions waiting for them.
Until next month.
Bates