One wonders what goes through the minds of politicians!
On Christmas day at 14:40 the Calvia councillor for Security, Bartolome Bonafe, sent a text message (from his council paid mobile) to an opposition councillor; " How do you make a chicken into a socialist"?
I won´t bother to explain how he suggested one does as this is very much a family column and one must have some standards.
It just shows what a bunch of birdbrains politicians (of any party) are.
All I can say is that Bart either started his (liquid) lunch early or his real surname must be Simpson!
You may ask why, down in the valleys of God´s own country, there is always music in the valleys.
In Ruthin, North-Wales, the owners of the bull, ´Picston Shottle´ said in November that they believe that piped-in Mozart music helped develop his amazing productivity as a stud; his semen is sold out until April, with enough output to create about 500 "doses" a day (at a price of about US$65 a dose).
This of course may explain why ´Jones the milk´ is so often found humming and tra-la-ing on his morning delivery round!
Ah! The festive season. Goodwill to all men an´ all that of course goes out the window when there´s a surfeit of jolly juice and things can turn nasty.
Word gets to Bates that following a skinful of ´Liffey water´ a certain delivery chappy became ´tired and emotional´ and ended up on the receiving end.
No names of course but I´m told the retaliatory bop was nothing less than precision and the lights went out. Rumours that our ´man in a white van´ was the victim of a mob attack are, I´m told, a pure figment of a fuzzy head.
Which reminds me of some graffito on an anti drinking poster. The poster said, ´Drinking will bring you a slow death´!
The graffito artist added, ´Not to worry, I´m in no rush´!
For anyone who needs more proof that Blighty is well and truly knackered by political correctness, the Lake District National Park is to axe the free guided walks carried out by over 100 volunteer rangers because they attract only "middle-aged, middle-class white people".
The national park´s authority said it would be able to meet Government targets to attract minority groups and attract more funding.
I would have thought that the answer would be to also run guided mugging and car-torching trips though Brixton; this would surely address their perceived imbalance!
Whilst we´re on the subject:
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do they leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock junk and cheap lawn mowers in the garage.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a Skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured by not removing all pins from new shirts
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
Well at least someone is doing something to promote yachting in the Balearics. The Ibiza and Formentera council are exhibiting in the Dusseldorf boat show and have arranged a press lunch to promote the islands- good for them- if anyone is going, please take a look, we´d like a report.
On the other hand I´m told there is diddly squat representation of the Balearics in the London boat show.
Again, a lot of hot air about promoting the Balearics boating scene from the local nautical association and the Chamber of Commerce!
On the subject of the London show my spies report what I expected and that the record attendance figures last year were probably pumped up by the curiosity factor as it was held for the first time in the docklands venue.
This year I´m told the numbers are down.
It remains to be seen if it´s a case of quality and not quantity when they get back to their offices and study the order book.
Anyone like to comment on or off the record? I´d be obliged for all opinions.
Now here´s a quickie:
A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn´t come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Now here´s a bit of good advice.
The ´Federales´ are installing no les than 5 new cameras along the Paseo Maritimo in Palma- so keep your speed down.
In fact, are you aware that all the lights are synchronised and so if everyone bumbled along at 40ish there´d be no stoppages!
Radar detectors are not (yet) illegal in Spain but watch it if you´re venturing onto our Gallic cousin´s roads.
One driver to fall foul of the draconian traffic laws in Belle France was 63-year-old Ian Kennard when he and his passenger, Mike Hutchin were stopped approaching a highway toll near Dijon.
The police noticed an old radar detector, which was not in use, on the dashboard.
Mr Kennard´s entreaties that it was a gift from his son and that it had never worked at least persuaded the police to halve the on-the-spot fine from 1,500 euros to 750 euros .
Lacking the cash to pay immediately, Mr Kennard was taken in the police car to a bank, while Mr Hutchin, 66, was held separately.
My spies have been out again and recently there was a gathering of some 15 ´top-dogs´ of the local yachting scene.
As the gossip goes, Martin Redmayne, representing the organisers of the SEAS 2005 exhibition in Antibes was promoting the idea of a ´Palma Pavilion´ at next year´s exhibition.
As the evening went on and the alcohol took hold I´m told the PIMEM stand at the Monaco boat show was the object of some guffaws and that perhaps it should be left to a group of local guirri companies to get together- we shall see!
Also I´m told that a very tired and emotional ´canvas worker´ got well and truly verbally stitched up by Mr Redmayne!
Anyone fancy a job in the movies?
Well take a look at the classified section where a company in Andratx is looking for two skippers for a TV production in March and April this year.
Not so good news from the ´frozen north´ where just before Christmas some low-lifes broke into 17 yachts in Alcudiamar at night.
It now comes to light that the security cameras only work during the day and there was only one security bod on duty during the night!
Well it was certainly sad news that Mike Corns had died.
He was very well known and liked locally and still kept a sailing yacht in the Club de Mar which he used to visit quite regularly.
What is perhaps not so well known is that it was Mike, whilst in Athens some years ago, who gave the world record sailor, Ellen Macarthur, her first break in yachting.
Bye Mike, we´ll miss you mate, but as a wag in the ´bullshit bungalow´ (aka Club de Mar bar) said, ´Mike just stopped snoring´:
I guess many of us would like to have that as an epitaph- that´s the way to go.
I shall leave you, gentle reader, with a few words that you might like to ponder upon
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
4. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
6. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
7. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
8. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
9. Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.
1O. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Until next month,