In the land of the ambulance chaser everything now has a "disclaimer" sticker attached. A law firm recently published a list of what they thought were the best of the bunch. On a child´s scooter a label proclaimed, "Caution, this product moves when used". On a food blender it warns, "Never try to remove food or other items from the blades when the product is in operation”. My favourite however is the lavatory brush with the warning, "Do not use for personal hygiene". Makes the eyes water doesn´t it?
As if we didn´t know it more than half of people surveyed in a BBC World Service poll say the re-election of US President George W Bush has made the world more dangerous. Only three countries - India, Poland and the Philippines - out of 21 polled believed the world was now safer. The survey found that 47% now viewed US influence in the world as largely negative and such unfavourable feelings extended towards Americans as a whole. On average across all countries, 58% of people - and 16 out of 21 countries polled - said they believed Mr Bush´s re-election to the White House made the world more dangerous.
Marge. update. The boss managed to get a meeting with Calvia´s current mayor, Charlie Delgado to ask him what on earth is happening with all these court cases (and particularly the ´misuse of public funds´ on dresses, scarves etc etc). It appears that we are in fact living in a politico-legal state that would make a banana republic blush. Taking the ´misuse of funds issue´ the mayor revealed that the prosecutor´s office initially stated in January 2004 that there was a case to be investigated against Marge. Then in November 2004, from the very same office, came the 180 degree twist that the case was to be shelved with some mumbo jumbo statement that these high price items were ´legitimate´ gifts to others! Well, gentle reader, "what the **ck happened" you might ask? Quite simply, the central government changed- that ´what the **ck happened´ and Marge´s left wing looneys got in, appointed their own top dog on the greasy legal pole who ordered the blatant whitewashing which you have an will see- and it´s all perfectly legal! Now, coming back to the point of the number of designer dresses that were bought (and Marg. has never denied it) as ´er in doors pointed out, "women don´t buy frocks for other women"! And it goes further, according to my spies in the Calvia town hall, Marge. had the frocks sent to her office in Calvia for a personal fitting. It has not been revealed but I bet they are all the same size- so much for them being gifts for other people; unless of course Marge. chooses only to have girl friends with same size arse! I´m sure you´ll agree pens, keyrings etc etc are possibly acceptable gifts but designer frocks? No one will ever convince me that they are legit! I can only hope that the current case regarding her being accused of ´perverting the course of justice´ sticks...but don´t hang by your fingernails on this one either! What did Nixon say? "There will be no whitewash....." Welcome to Calviagate!
Blighty seems to be per-occupied by ´binge drinking´ syndrome. As always to ensure that you, gentle reader are fully aware of the facts here are 10 things that you probably didn´t know about binge drinking.
1) Binge drinking is named after the Hon Christopher Binge, the 18th-century aristocrat and noted bon viveur. Despite wrestling with a drink problem, Binge remained an extremely well-respected Member of British Parliament, responsible for introducing some of the most remarkable legislation of the time, including the On All Fours Act, which made it obligatory for those leaving UK drinking establishments after midnight to return to their place of domicile without using their feet.
2) Binge went on to become Admiral of the Fleet but was forced to resign in 1756 after leading a bombardment of the port of Dieppe. In his defence, Binge claimed he had been intending to bombard Lisbon as ordered, but the two places looked much the same on the map and Dieppe was a lot closer and, anyway, what difference did it make?
3) The game of bingo began life as binge. It was originally designed as a diverting pastime for those whom alcohol had rendered incapable of sustained thought. Through the years the majority of bingo goers have migrated to the soccer terraces.
4) The Surrey village of Abinger Hammer was originally called Binge Hammered, and was notorious in the late 18th century as a centre for extreme alcohol abuse. But after a crackdown in 1807, the parish council voted unanimously to change the name of the village to something more in keeping with a more wholesome image. Since that time, the village has become home to many distinguished celebrities, among them Liam Gallagher, Tracey Emin, Chris Evans, Elizabeth Taylor and George Best.
5) In June 2003, binge drinkers formed their own union, the NUBD, or National Union of Binge Drinkers. A recent press release from the NUBD announced that its annual conference is to be held this year at "somewhere or other, like, I mean, who really cares?" The press release goes on to say that "delegates will then make their way to wherever". The main debate of the evening will commence at 3.07am. The motion before the house is: "This House believes that, look, you´re my best friend, d´y´know that, do you, I mean, like, you and me, right, like, who you lookin´ at, I said, who you lookin´ at, you want your faced knocked in, do yer? Well, do yer?"
6) The National Union of Binge Drinkers recently launched its campaign for more handrails in city centres, particularly across busy roads. "At the moment, there is absolutely no way our members can get home without falling over," declared a spokesman, adding: "Furthermore, there is absolutely no way our members can get home without falling over. Or did I just say that?"
7) In the late 1960s, senior Cabinet minister George Brown vowed at a press conference "to cut out dinge brinking boot and ranch". It was high time, he said, "to shake more that our safes are street for bore-eliding citizens".
8) The New Labour Government plans to crack down on binge drinking by increasing the hours available for binge drinking. "Only by allowing binge drinkers more time in which to pursue their irresponsible behaviour can we bring home to them how very irresponsible it is," said Home Secretary Charles Clarke last night, adding: "Are you looking at me matey?"
9) In a new book, Tony Blair - Out of His Head, leading political journalist Andy Anorak argues that, far from his goody-two-shoes public image, Tony Blair is in fact a relentless binge drinker who spends his Saturday nights picking fights in city centres before reeling home, yelling "Do you know who I am?" at his staff. Former associates reveal that the Prime Minister has had the dispatch box converted into an executive drink cabinet, complete with a full range of cocktail umbrellas.
10) The minister behind the proposed new 24-hour drinking initiative is Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell, or Jessa Towell as she is known by her allies in the drink industry after 11.30pm. Her previous initiatives include building more casinos in order to reduce the number of compulsive gamblers. In future, she hopes to cut down on armed robbery by making firearms more freely available and to reduce the number of glue-sniffers by mailing tubes of Gripfix free to all teenagers.
I now bring bad news to those that like to powder their nose in the lav. A new weapon is being launched in the war on drugs - WD-40. The household lubricant, usually used for such challenges as loosening rusty screws or stopping creaky doors, is being deployed by pubs and clubs. They are spraying it onto lavatory cistern tops to stop punters going into the toilets to snort a line of cocaine. The oil-based, colourless WD-40 dissolves cocaine so when the user spreads it on a surface that has been sprayed, the drug turns into a mush and is unusable. If the taker does try to snort it and it gets up the nostril they will end up with a bad nose bleed. The use of WD-40 is the brainchild of PC Graham Pease, a liquor licensing officer, who first launched the idea in Bristol. He said: "When the drug comes into contact with the WD-40 it becomes unusable. "It congeals into a mess then semi-dissolves and prevents it being sniffed."
And more scientific info for you folks! Luckily, I´m AB lager positive as far as blood is concerned and am therefore not on mosquitos´ menu del noche. However I bring good tidings to those of you who have been doomed to sit and scratch your festering, red lumps! Scientists believe they have discovered the reason why mosquitos find some of us more tasty than others. It was already known that some people produce "come and get me" smells which appeal to the blood-suckers. But a new study says that those less likely to be bitten produce odours which mask these tantalising scents. The natural repellent could be used to protect everyone from the bugs, suggests the Biotechnology and Biological Sciences Research Council. In the meantime here´s some advice. Doctors in the United States have warned people not to swat mosquitoes against their skin. Writing in the New England Journal of Medicine, they said it could increase the risk of serious infection. It follows the case of a 57-year-old woman who died after developing a fungal infection in her muscles. Doctors believe she developed the infection after she swatted a mosquito, causing part of the insect to penetrate and infect her skin. The case has prompted doctors at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York to warn against swatting mosquitos against the skin. "I think if a mosquito was in mid-bite, it would be wiser to flick the mosquito off rather than squashing it," said Christina Coyle, one of the authors of the article.
Now then, in last months issue I said that not many people knew that the late Mike Corns gave Ellen Macarthy her first Job. I was entirely correct in this statement because he didn´t! It was in fact Tracey Edwards who Mike took on whilst in Piraeus... a senior moment for old Bates!
On the same subject I hear that the funeral and wake afterwards in Mike´s house in North Wales was attended by several hundred people! And, as they left the church they played, "What shall we do with the drunken sailor..?"- Mike would have laughed his whatsits off!
Here´s a nice letter from a women´s mag.
Dear Carol, My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I´m in a good mood it turns green. When I´m in a bad mood it leaves a bloody big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he´ll buy me a diamond.
Love Lucy.
And whilst your giggling ere’s another nice little story.
There is a factory in America which makes the ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager´s door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo´s all over the factory floor and they´re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by small mountains of Tickle Me Elmo´s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo´s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I´m sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday......"wait for it......ready? "You´re job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
As many of you have heard, yacht engineer, Dave Cook, was rushed to hospital with a suspected stroke. At the time of writing Dave is still in the intensive care unit. Dave and Jane would like to thank all for the tremendous response and concern.
Only in America? Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn´t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneouvre, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, on! Then one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
As expected the low lifes are at it again- look out for these! Virus writers are now exploiting the December 2004 Tsunami disaster. The most recent example, the Zar worm (a.k.a. VBSun), is a mass-mailing email worm that sends itself to everyone listed in the Global Address Book. The subject of that email is "Tsunami Donation! Please help!" and the body reads simply "Please help us with your donation and view the attachment below! We need you!". The attachment is named TSUNAMI.EXE.
The classic Nigerian 419 scam has also been adapted to take advantage of the Tsunami disaster. The emails claim one of the persons who perished in the Tsunami had large sums of money. The caretaker for the alleged cash is supposedly seeking "someone who will be able to use the fund better maybe for charity and support the Tsunami victims". The sender then claims, "I have thought of doing it myself but,my ministry is the apocalypse and I believe and preach the soon coming of the Lord which make me not indulgent in reliance on money or wealth in any form." Another twist on the 419 theme involves a supposedly terminal patient who claims to have lost his entire family to the Tsunami. Repentant, he wishes to give $8.3 Million away in an effort to win clemency for his soul.
Medical update: The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin. Pfizer Inc. recently indicated that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi´s ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. It should also be noted that over the past few years, more money has been spent on Viagra than on Alzheimer´s research. Therefore, as the population ages, there will be a large number of older men wandering around with erections, who can´t remember what to do with it.
Forget your MCA and RYA modules, this is the one; I quote from the literature-"The Beer Appreciation Course is a one day course specially structured for people with a love of beer, who wish to improve their knowledge, and hopefully enjoyment of the product. At the end of the course is an exam leading to a certificate award. The day starts at 9.30 am and finishes at 4.30 pm." Now that´s a pretty good session! You can book your course on: www.brewingresearch.com- see you there for a bevvy!
Always wanting to impart bon mots, that can be dropped into the most genteel of conversations I offer you this. An ancient Egyptian papyrus scroll recently deciphered records that a certain private assistant to the pharaoh,Tutenkhamen, was paid three head of cattle in addition to food and lodging; he was Tutenkhamen´s personal nose-picker- not bad pay and a job not to be sniffed at you might remark!
The digital television company Canal Plus could end up in court because of a short documentary it showed on December 15th on "how to cook Christ". The short, made in 1978, shows step by step how to place a figure made of dough on a cross "using pieces of bacon for the stigmata", which is "left in a moderate oven for three days", after which "it will come out of its own accord". Within three days of being broadcast, more than 3,000 people had complained about "this gratuitous insult and lack of respect for millions of Spanish Catholics". The citizens´ website Hazteoir.org (Make yourself heard) says Canal Plus, which is owned by the Prisa Group, "has demonstrated on several occasions its gratuitously offensive attitude to the religious beliefs of a majority of the population" and several individuals and groups are studying the possibility of bringing a law suit against the TV channel using Article 525.1 of the Penal Code. According to that article, offending the sensibilities of the members of a religious group can be punished with eight to 12 months in prison. The documentary was made to celebrate the end of the Franco era and the transition to democracy by singer Javier Krahe, whose reply to the upset Catholics was: "Let them turn the other cheek".
Here’s a silly one.
A dog runs into a butcher´s shop. As the butcher goes to shoo him out, he sees £10 and a note in the dog´s mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog´s mouth, and quickly shuts up shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. After a couple of miles he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the doorstep. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big man opens it and starts cursing and kicking the dog. The butcher runs up and screams, "What the hell are you doing? This dog´s a genius!" The owner retorts, "Genius, my arse. It´s the second time this week he´s forgotten his key!"
And finally, for our Scottish friends. I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week late at night and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" Until next month....