To start this month I would like to give you a geography lesson.
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.
The EU Commission has just confirmed what all of us already suspected - mobile phone tariffs in Spain are between 8.5% and 48.6% higher than the European average. The EC study selected the cheapest tariffs of the two main operators in each EU country and looked specifically at the three consumer profiles - low, medium and high. In all three cases, the Spanish operators were above the average. The tariffs were up to 48% more expensive for high consumption users, around 30% for medium consumers and between 8% and 18% for low consumers. However, Spain´s operators have another study which shows that the cost of using mobile phones is below the EU average. But their study includes discount plans and special tariffs for groups.
Here’s a bit of a wheeze for young imbibers!
One of Spain´s biggest insurance companies, Linea Directa, has introduced a new service so that young people who have been out drinking can call for help to get home. Called Nocturnal Assistance for Young People, it offers a free ride home to policy holders under the age of 26 who either feel they couldn´t pass a breathalyser or are feeling unwell. A company spokesman said its figures show that more than 60,000 are injured and 1,400 are killed in road accidents every year.
To prove that there’s nowt queerer than folk I bring you this snippet. Briton Stephen Louis Cooper, who is worshipped as a goddess in India, hopes to stay there after his six-month visa runs out. Mr Cooper has been diagnosed with gender identity disorder and likes to wear a sari and be addressed as a woman. He has become the centre of attraction in the temple town of Becharaji in the western Indian state of Gujara, where he is known as Penna, meaning Lotus. Devotees line up to seek his blessings and some take him to be the messenger of Bahuchar Mata, the goddess of Indian eunuchs. He said during earlier travels round the UK he saw a picture of Bahuchar Mata in a shop: "I could feel my energy being reflected in a different way. It was then that people told me about this place and asked me to visit India." Mr Cooper now has a picture of Bahuchar Mata tattooed on his left arm. The temple complex at Becharaji is visited by large numbers of eunuchs from all over India in the belief that by paying their respect there they will gain manhood in their next birth. There is a fair at the temple on every full moon night which is attended by many eunuchs. Mr Cooper was the star attraction of the last fair.
Oh-oh! As you will remember in the last issue I warned you that there are going to be severe restrictions on anchoring around Mallorca.
Well, it appears it will be an even grimmer situation in Menorca this summer.
The Ministry of the Environment has decided that there will be an almost complete clamp-down on free anchoring and with an average of between two and three thousand visiting yachts throughout the summer months it could be chaos.
Naturally the local marine industry association (ASMEN) are up in arms claiming that such a restriction could mean bankruptcy for some companies and that it is now time to build new and extend current marinas. Let’s hope they can get the men in grey to see sense before the season kicks off!
Even though almost everybody, including the Ministry of the Environment, have given the go ahead to expand Port Adriano the loony left, PSOE of Calvia and the anoraks of GOB are trying to stop the extension.
Whilst all this is happening the national tourism organisation (Turespana)has announced that it intends to spend millions on an advertising campaign in the UK and Germany to promote nautical tourism.
Talk about the left hand not knowing what the right is doing!
However there is good news down Can Pastilla way where plans have been drawn up to expand Club Maritimo Sant Antonia from the current 396 moorings up to 700.
The plans are to build a new breakwater and quay to accommodate yachts between 12 and 20 metres and to include some underground car parking which is urgently needed in that part of the coast.
The final decision will be by a vote of the club members, many of whom are yet to be convinced of the plan. Recently a similar plan to expand Molinar was thrown out by the members of the Molinar club.
Well I have to say that I’m very disappointed in the Daily Bull****!
Having looked into a few ads that they have been running and found out that they are scams, I told them so.
What it boils down to is that until they get a complaint from one of their readers (which of course could be you) who has been scammed they don’t seem to give a sh** as long as they get paid by the bogus advertiser!
Beware of “international driving licences” which are completely bogus and literally not worth the paper they are printed on despite the scammers asking for 400 Euros! Also look out for a travel agent that goes by the name of “nocosttravel” that I have heard on very good authority have ripped off some people on the mainland.
You have been warned!
“An accident just waiting to happen” is, tragically, true of the event that happened recently on the other side of the road from the Club de Mar when a lorry crushed two women leaving one dead and the other maimed.
You can blame it on the fact that the driver was going too fast round the corner. You can put it down to the fact that he had drunk too much. He also proved positive to a drug test.
I however put the main blame on whoever has control of the traffic flow- be it the police, local council or whoever.
There is no way that big trucks (even with completely sober drivers) should ever be allowed to come from the ferry terminal over the bridge by the Club de Mar and to negotiate the narrow, banked, hair-pin bend to join Paseo Maritimo.
The authorities of course have taken a different view and I noticed that after this accident, along side Porto Pi centre the rossers set up a spot-check test pulling in truckers, only early in the morning!
Now you wouldn’t expect me, so close to the local elections, not to mention politics -so here goes.
I recently got a letter from Antonio Manchado who is the socialist candidate for Calvia and who happened to be in cahoots with the ex-empress, Marge of Calvia who ripped the arse out of the public purse, leaving a massive debt after 12 years of PSOE financial bulimia.
Now then, coming back to the letter ( which of course is seeking my vote) I would have thought that he might mention things such as budget, public safety, local services, education etc etc.
But no: this **nker thinks that he can get my vote by promising me that the cricket club can stay where is it ( which I know is absolutely impossible) and that he’ll build 2 lawn bowling greens (that are already incorporated in the plans for the inevitable re-location of the cricket club to an area just behind Pirates in Magaluf).
Now, if he offered building me a rugby club with free beer and pole dancing at half time I might not have binned his derogatory missive.
Lies damned lies and politics! You have been warned- I say vote Party Popular, early and as often as possible!
Toodle-pip
Bates