Cor blimey, the road congestion is getting worse isn’t it?
No it’s not your imagination. Here, we have one of the highest ´cars per capita´ figures in Spain.
According to the records there are a staggering 738,000 jam jars vying for space in the Balearics which works out as an average of 901 per thousand people compared with a national average of 600 per thousand!
Here are some more sobering figures.
In the USA, a land of over 287 million people, there is a birth every 8 seconds, a death every 13 seconds and an immigrant every 29 seconds. Someone has come up with the calculation that this gives a net gain of one person every 13 seconds!
On the subject of the USA, the Palma port authorities are not the most popular amongst the tourist industry (not to mention Dudley of The Cowboy Bar) in their blocking of any of the US navy ships using the port. Their official excuse?
Lack of room!
Left wing, anti-American sentiments have been said to be the real motivation by the conservative opposition party.
The tourist industry is likely to lose out on an annual income of around 58 million Euros. The beneficiaries of the shed loads of money the Yanks drop on R&R will be mainly Tarragona who´s port authority have welcomed them with open arms.
Having said all that, cruiser and ferry market are bucking the spiralling downward trend of tourists and the figures for arrivals by sea are up by a hefty 16% year on year for the first 6 months of 2003.
Excusez moi for mixing metaphors and lingo but it´s like agua off a pato´s back when I´m accused of being a male chauvinist cerdo- moi?
Here´s another nail in my coffin for the feminists!
A woman´s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you´re bad luck."
I believe that we should all do our bit to fight against terrorism and with this in mind I have written to messers Bush and Blair suggesting that a local organisation could be of vital use in the struggle against terrorism.
Judging by the way that the management team of Fires (who organise the local Palma Boat Show) on a ´promotional visit´ to the recent Southampton Boat Show sneaked in and out without being spotted, surely infiltrating Al Queda or popping into Saddam´s back yard would be a dodle for them!
As the run-up to the local elections hots up the right-wing opposition in Calvia are gunning for Her Divineness, the Empress.
It appears that Marge´s hubby managed to get his mits on some prime land in Santa Ponsa at a knock down price and the PP are shouting foul!
Her Majesty of course denies any wrongdoings in property deals to do with her husband: so does Mrs. Grace Mugabe!
My compliments to Ian Morrison for this gem.
Every morning, the first thing Osama Bin Laden would do after getting out of bed is look in the mirror and say: "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the biggest arsehole in the World?" To which the mirror would always reply: "You are Osama." Content in that knowledge, Osama Bin Laden would go downstairs and enjoy his breakfast. This became a regular morning ritual, and every day the mirror would always respond to the question: "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the biggest arsehole in the World?" with the same reply: "You are Osama."
One day Bin Laden came down to breakfast scowling and with a face that could kill.
"What´s up?" asked one of his aides.
"Who the **ck is Roy Keane?" enquired Bin Laden.
The following piece of vital information will probably be of great interest to ..er... um...´large ladies´ and certainly to my Welsh and N.Z. compatriots.
In a study based on sheep, the details of which are published in the journal ´Genome Research´, scientists identified a mutated gene which causes some animals to have unusually large, muscular bottoms.
They have called the gene ´callipyge´, which means ´beautiful buttocks´ in Greek, because the sheep have large bottoms with little fat.
Such an attribute could prove beneficial in breeding sheep because it enables them to convert food into muscle 30 per cent more efficiently than other sheep.
More excitingly, the gene could help experts understand how fat is distributed in humans.
´We know the specific gene mutation that leads to large bottoms in sheep, but now we have to find how it operates,´ said Professor Randy Jirtle, of Duke University in North Carolina, who carried out the research with the U. S. Department of Agriculture.
Experts say that far from worrying about the size of their bottoms, women with the curvaceous shape of a Marilyn Monroe or Jennifer Lopez - should be aware that a fuller derriere is often a sign of good health.
A recently completed 25-year study of women showed those with large bottoms were less likely to suffer heart attacks, diabetes or cardiovascular disease.
There is also some evidence that a larger bottom and thighs puts women at less risk of osteoporosis and angina.
Taking the animal theme a little further a snippet in the ´Times of India´ caught my eye.
"Even if the enemy carries out its threat to bomb us with nukes, we don´t have to panic," Radheshyam Gupta told a press conference in Lucknow, "because we have sacred cows to help us. You can fully protect yourself from nuclear fallout by covering the roof of your house with cow dung. And applying sacred cow dung paste to your body from head to toe will serve as an extra shield.´
Gupta, a spokesman for the Uttar Pradesh Cow Protection Commission, was speaking as tensions with Pakistan over the status of Kashmir threatened to escalate into a full-scale conflict. "Our commission’s primary mission is to prevent the slaughter of gaumata, the mother cow, which all Hindus regard as holy. But we also promote sacred cow products like urine and dung, which have proven powerful medicinal properties. Ordinary people cannot afford expensive protective clothing against radiation, so they need to be informed that sacred cow dung will protect them against nuclear fallout, and also from radiation burns. And luckily we have a limitless supply of sacred cow dung in this part of India."
The RSS (Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, a powerful Hindu nationalist organisation) has given its backing to the campaign, but scientists remained sceptical.
I don’t know if it would work in any other country but in the US of A there is a very successful internet based company called ´Score Brownie points´.
The owner, Jodie Gastel explains on the website,
´You see, sex is like farming, not hunting - if you want to eat apple pie, you have to first water the apple tree, pick the apples, roll the dough and turn on the oven. Luckily, with sex, you can harvest year round...
OK, before we drag that analogy out any further - essentially, women want little somethings every now and then.´
What this is all about is a scheme where a bloke agrees a standing order of 47$ every two months and as Jodie goes on to explain it.
´Once every two months a plain box will show up to where you work - we call it "your package." Inside your package is a gift, a very easy way to wrap that gift, and a little note card. Put the gift in the wrapping, write something like "I Love You" on the card (we made it a small one, so you don´t have to write much), take it home and be prepared for the wonderful aftermath. The items in question are all very tame and sweet actually; from hand-poured chocolate, to silk scarves, from make-your-own mini rainforest kits to wishing stones.´
Sad bastards, please take note-
www.ScoreBrowniePoints.com
I personally cannot see what’s wrong with a few Babychams down the local and a take away?
Call me a romantic fool if you like- I don’t care!
What about Mike Wood eh? Have you read his letter in the features section?- poor bugger!
Those of you who remember the drama of the American skipper who was banged up (without trial I must add) in both Turkey and Greece on a trumped up charge a couple of years ago will probably also remember that he too complained about the apathy and impotency of his Embassy. Also he too was given the constant false promises of a lighter sentence etc etc for a few thousand dollars- which were cons by various local lawyers.
We, I promise you, are going to keep whatever pressure we can bring to bear on the British authorities.
In my ´umble opinion they are too busy giving hand-outs to bloody foreigners sponging on the UK´s mamby-pamby social and legal systems.
It’s about time they showed a bit of support for a Brit. in trouble abroad in what is supposedly a modern European country (who are assuming the presidency of the EU this year) but in effect is a land of goat bothering, olive picking, ouzo swilling, xenophobic, shysters.
We’ll keep you informed.
Regards,
Bates