Let’s start off this month with a statement of massive positive thinking:
"A lot of people got hurt in the stock market and people who know about boats realize that a big-name vessel is a solid investment." said Felix Sabatis, chairman of Trinity Yachts at the Ft Lauderdale show.
And, to continue in this humorous vein;
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Halloo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment´s calculation, "there is meself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Shite!" said Paddy. "I´ll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy´s farm tractor."
Saddam sighed.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I´ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million men since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I´ll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war
is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We´ve modified
Harrigan´s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I´ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I´ll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o´ the mornin´,
Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I´m sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we´ve all had a long chat over a couple of pints, and decided there´s no way we can feed two million P. O. W.´s."
On a much less humorous subject a ´local´ semi-retired yacht skipper got ´pulled´ in by the Guardia Civil last month.
Not allowed out for some hours and threatened with dire consequences his RYA certificate (which he was told to bring with him) was accused of being a forgery.
He apparently was on a list of other ´dodgy´ certificates.
After a nervous call to the RYA however it was established that his papers were in fact quite kosher and he was sprung!
Where did this list come from? Anyone else been harassed?
Is it the Boys in Green’s way of spreading the word about false certificates?
Remember you can contact the RYA very easily to check up on schools and individuals (and your bit of paper) to check them out.
Rumours abound about the dusting off of the plan for the mega marina once proposed to be built in Magaluf and then shelved after a lot of political squabbling.
No one from either the incumbent socialists nor the opposition parties are saying anything but of course under the current leftwing-green government it wouldn’t have a chance.
Sad news I’m afraid:
Steve Emerson (July 10, 1957 - November 6, 2002), Master Mariner, the well known founder of Freedom Yachting in Antibes, France, died on November 6 after almost a year´s fight against cancer.
Steve was a frequent visitor to Mallorca, running courses in the Club de Mar.
Nice guy and will be sadly missed.
Let’s not stay depressed, here’s a naughty but nice one and not without some truth in it:
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I´m the head of the family,
so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We´re here to take care of your needs, so we´ll call you the People.
The nanny, we´ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we´ll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent´s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny´s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say´s to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
It appears that as a race we are living longer which reminds me;
A friend recently changed his doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the Doc said that he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, he couldn´t resist asking him,
"Do you think I´ll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no", my friend replied, "I´ve never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
He said, "No, I´ve heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don´t," he said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?”
"No," he said, "I´ve never done any of those things."
He looked at him and said,
"Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80??"
You just have to laff dontcha?
Her serene highness, empress Najera of Calvia misses no opportunity.
Following a decision for her looney left administration of giving away cash and offering cheap computers to Calvia residents (up to their necks in hock to the banks but elections looming on the horizon) she recently proudly announced that over the period of Jan 8th to the 13th Calvia are organising a trumpet competition.
No doubt Marge will be there to ´straighten her own French horn´!
Now then people, on a serious note regarding the forthcoming elections, pay attention please!
Those ever so helpful people called Cuidadanos Europeos quite rightly urge all those that are entitled to vote to make sure they are registered on their municipal register (padron) and therefore are listed as voters in their municipality. These are, ´all non-Spanish European citizens over the age of 18 on the day of the elections and registered on the municipal register´.
What you have to do is go to your town hall´s ´oficina de empadronamiento´ with a photocopy of current passport, ID card or residents card along with a photocopy of the deeds of your property or rental contract. (Might as well take two copies of each plus a sworn statement from your tailor of your inside leg measurements, a picture of your pet budgie, a photocopy of a paid parking fine, two coupons from ensaimada packets etc, etc, etc, to be certain!)
The elections are expected to be held on Sunday 25th May 2003 and therefore the lists close on the 31st March 2003.
If you need any more information Cuidadanos Europeos have an office in C/ San Domingo 11 (near the main post office) in Palma or call them on 971 715860 or 971 715799
I have been asked to pass on some good news for yacht services and supply companies.
It appears that a certain yacht, ´Aguirre´ which had let´s say, ´gained a certain reputation´ is now under new ownership and management.
Go West young man?
Adam (Vasco to his chums) Tarleton of Rapid Transit Service is off on a four month sojourn through California and Mexico to open up a new yacht transport line across the Pacific operating out of Ensenada which is 70 miles south of the border down San Diego way.
He tells me he’s contactable whilst he’s away at: avasco@attglobal.net
Well they’ve done it!
Celesti Alomar, the Balearic Tourist Minister has announced that some of the tourist tax is definitely going to be spent on farming!
As I have politely asked before- what the **ck have Mr and Mrs Tourista and their children from ´Blighty´ or ´the Fatherland´ got to do with some inbred potato picker from Sa Pobla?
**ck-all, is the answer!
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn´t think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is God´s function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
Have good ´Crimble´ and all that!
Bates
STOP PRESS…Capt. Dan Cassidy passed away in Son Dureta hospital.